Operation American Spring was supposed to be a historic event, a day of revolution and taking back the good ol’ USA and making it a real country again. We’re not entirely sure what Tea Party types mean by “taking back our country” but we assume it has something to do with a black, Muslim liberal who was born in Kenya being in the White House, and that’s just not okay with them. And today was to be the day where a bunch of angry old white men chased him out of office. And anywhere from 10 to 30 million people were supposed to show up for this monumental event.
I watched the live stream from the event today, and watched as the gathering grew from about 100 people to maybe a thousand, and that’s being generous, like giving a bad golfer a big handicap. I kept seeing the same freaking people in the live stream video, even as they wandered from place to place. And one of them was rather aggravated that the turnout was so poor, which was followed up by a lady who claimed that the others were all trapped at campgrounds in the area due to flood waters. Right. Or maybe they all had flat tires.
Or maybe they didn’t show up for one of the below reasons. Here are the top 35 excuses for the missing 29,999,000 freedom-loving patriots who were nowhere to be found today.
1. President Obama ordered FEMA to round them up and put them all in concentration camps.
2. President Obama declared martial law and ordered them to be herded and executed.
4. It’s meth-cooking season, so couldn’t leave their meth labs.
5. They all went to Washington state, instead of Washington D.C.
6. They used Apple Maps and ended up protesting in a corn field in Iowa.
7. They couldn’t figure out a way to get there without using a government-built road.
8. Cliven Bundy’s cattle was blocking the roadways.
9. It was national discount day at Golden Corral.
10. There were too many puddles to navigate around.
11. The 15 or so big rig drivers who showed up for Truckers for Truth back in October are still clogging up the interstates in the area.
12. They tried to make signs to bring to the protest, but couldn’t get all the words spelled right in time to show up.
13. They were all looking for that Ben Ghazi fella they always hear about on Fox News.
14. They found out that neither Ted Cruz nor Sarah Palin would be there, and didn’t bother.
15. COPS was being filmed in their trailer park that day and didn’t want to miss an opportunity to be on television.
16. There was a Duck Dynasty marathon on A & E all day.
17. They couldn’t get their tractors started.
18. They couldn’t miss their weekly KKK meeting.
19. Same reason why every other previous battle for freedom and liberty was halted – it rained.
20. Saw a rainbow over Washington, and turned around, thinking that getting near it might make them gay.
21. They were given ultimatums by their cousins that they’d break up with them if they left for a day or two.
22. They all accidentally shot themselves.
23. Had to stay home to defend their trailer parks from a rumored Bureau of Land Management takeover.
24. Washington-area stores ran out of Twizzlers, so they panicked and went back home.
25. Cliven Bundy gave a live lecture on the Negro on the same day, couldn’t miss the chance of being enlightened.
26. Found out that Washington-area liquor stores don’t carry Old Milwaukee or Pabst Blue Ribbon.
27. Illegal to ride lawn mowers on the streets of Washington.
28. They couldn’t find their teeth, and they don’t go out without them.
29. If you count the voices in the heads of the people who showed up, there were 30 million people there.
30. It’s square dance night at the VFW hall, and they promised their sisters they’d take them.
31. Got caught up at Waffle House, had their buffet for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
32. Their dogs were in heat.
33. Can’t leave Cliven Bundy’s ranch quite yet.
34. They were all raptured.
35. Their government disability checks weren’t enough to get them to Washington, which is all Obama’s fault.